AMORE E DINTORNI
Rubrica a cura di Gianna Vazzana
notiziedalcuore@gmail.com
Marco writes:
My partner and I have been living together for years, we love each other and we’re doing really well. A few years ago, we decided to open up our relationship. We both have permission to have the occasional fling with other people. I’ve never done it (even though I could), whereas she has, very rarely – maybe once a year when she’s on holiday with her friends – she has been with other men.
I’m totally fine with this, but my mates say I’m a doormat, that she’s taking advantage of me and that I should leave her. They’re starting to make me doubt myself.
Dear Marco,
I’m not at all surprised that your friends are shocked by your situation. First of all, it’s perfectly possible they’d be unsettled even if the roles were reversed. I don’t want to assume they’re misogynistic without knowing them, but still, the fact that it’s her — a woman — having casual sex so naturally, really does throw people off.
The idea that women should be more sexually reserved than men is something we’ve been carrying for centuries. It’s rooted in mythology, religion and cultural constructs that have since turned into internalized “norms”. In rabbinical literature, for instance, there’s a tale that Adam, before marrying Eve, had a first partner: Lilith. Unlike Eve, who was created from Adam’s rib, Lilith was made from dust — just like Adam. Because of this, she demanded equal rights, the same freedoms and, most importantly, refused to sexually submit to her husband.
Adam never accepted a woman as his equal. Lilith left Eden rather than bend to his will. And how is Lilith remembered in history? As a furious demon. A woman who demanded freedom and equality went down in legend as a terrifying creature. And that still says a lot about us today.
The idea that female sexuality needs to be contained, morally filtered, guarded, hasn’t evolved as much as we like to think. Even in 1976, Michel Foucault wrote that sexuality had been confined to the home, placed under the authority of the conjugal family, and absorbed into the function of reproduction:
“Sexuality was carefully confined; it moved into the home. The conjugal family took custody of it and absorbed it into the serious function of reproduction.”
This vision became the standard. And anything that strays from that standard — open relationships, polyamory, female sexual freedom — is seen as threatening.
That’s what’s driving your friends when they’re outraged by the agreements you and your partner have made. It’s not just that you’re challenging the norm of monogamy — it’s also that the woman in the relationship is the one visibly enjoying that freedom. And culturally, that’s even harder to swallow.
As Simone de Beauvoir wrote, society has always assigned women a precise role: pure, passive, self-sacrificing. Anyone who steps outside that role is no longer seen as “marriage material”, or as someone worthy of a romantic relationship by conventional standards.
And yet, the key point remains this: the judgements you’re receiving say nothing true about you or your relationship. They say far more about those expressing them — about their fear of the unknown, their difficulty in accepting unfamiliar models, and their need to put everything into neat little reassuring boxes. Because the idea that everyone can build relationships tailored to their own needs — as long as they’re based on respect and honesty — throws the whole value system into question.
The truth is, it’s often more comforting to see someone as a “victim” in a non-traditional dynamic than it is to admit that one’s own model of love might not be the only valid one.
So, the real question isn’t whether your partner is taking advantage of you, but whether you feel respected, seen, and loved in your relationship. If the answer is yes, then the problem isn’t yours — it belongs to those who can’t grasp a version of love that doesn’t follow their standard model of fairytales with happy endings.
Other people’s judgements aren’t always born of wisdom or genuine concern for our wellbeing. Sometimes, they’re simply a reflection of their own insecurities, mental frameworks, and fears — all dressed up as advice.
The truth is, real love — lived freely and with mutual respect — is far more frightening than any betrayal.
And for many, it’s easier to see you as a “doormat” than to accept that you’re genuinely happy in something they just can’t wrap their heads around.
If you have a question you’d like to see published in this column, feel free to email me at notiziedalcuore@gmail.com. For privacy reasons, I’ll change the names before publishing.
If you’re looking for coaching or guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out at hello@philosophicalhearts.com. I’d be happy to support you on your journey.
