Rubrica a cura di Gianna Vazzana
notiziedalcuore@gmail.com
Elsa writes:
My partner and I have been living together for four years, but we have no intention of getting married. We’re both convinced that our relationship is just as important and serious as a marriage. To us, he’s my husband, and I’m his wife. When we visit my parents, who live quite far away, we need to stay overnight because it’s not practical to go there and back in one day. However, they insist on making us sleep in separate rooms, saying they’ll only let us share a room once we’re married. I’ve tried explaining that we’re not planning to get married and that, in our eyes, we already are. But they insist that their house, their rules. I told them I respect their rules, so from now on, whenever we visit, we’ll book a B&B nearby. But now my mum is crying and telling everyone that I don’t want to stay with her anymore. I feel guilty—should I just go along with their rules?
Dear Elsa,
Of course, you could go along with their rules. Why not? After all, for one night, you and your partner could sleep in separate beds. Would it really make a difference? I’d say not. One or two nights in separate beds isn’t the end of the world. In fact, having your own space every now and then might even feel refreshing.
But I get the sense that the real issue here isn’t whether you sleep apart or not, but something much deeper: that your relationship is being belittled, treated as inferior or less significant simply because it doesn’t have the stamp of institutional approval. What’s really happening is a clash of values: your parents believe traditions and conventions define moral standards, while you believe your feelings are just as meaningful as a formal marriage.
Who’s right? That depends on your perspective. To help me answer, I’m calling on David Hume: in his Treatise of Human Nature, the philosopher explains that people often view “right” and “wrong” as universal concepts, determined by pure reason. But in truth, Hume argues, the foundation of morality is a feeling—empathy. It’s our ability to connect with others’ pain or joy that allows us to form moral judgments. Reason, on the other hand, can only describe facts; it cannot tell us what is right or wrong.
For example, reason can show me that stealing causes suffering. But to make the leap to “stealing is wrong,” I need something more: a moral sentiment. That’s where feelings come in. Hume also points out that many of our moral rules stem from conventions created to address the needs of society at a particular time. The rule that couples shouldn’t share a bed unless married reflects, for instance, values rooted in traditional cultures—but it’s hardly universal.
So, who’s right? This is where Jean-Jacques Rousseau comes in: he believed in a social contract that governs interactions between individuals for the common good. According to Rousseau, to be part of a community, you must follow its laws—but those laws should reflect the general will, aiming for collective well-being.
In your parents’ home, their rules are like a mini social contract. It’s fair enough to respect them. However, their traditions don’t seem to serve anyone’s well-being—they don’t protect or benefit anyone. They simply perpetuate a cultural norm.
The most balanced choice, which allows you to respect their rules without yielding to them, is the one you’ve already identified: stay in a nearby B&B. Explain to your mum that you’re not being disrespectful—on the contrary, you’re going out of your way, even spending money, just to spend time with her. You could simply refuse to visit, but you’ve chosen a solution that honours both your relationship and your bond with her.
This approach reflects what the philosopher Gillian Carol might describe as an ethic of care. While your mother seems to focus on formal rule-following and outward respect, you’re demonstrating concern for everyone’s needs: her wishes and the dignity of your relationship.
You’re not obliged to submit to a morality that isn’t your own. Keep showing your love for your mum, but don’t compromise the values that matter most to you.
If you’d like to share your story, feel free to email me at notiziedalcuore@gmail.com. Your name will be changed to ensure your privacy.
If you’re facing challenges in your relationships and would like personalised support, you can enquire about coaching by reaching out to me at hello@philosophicalhearts.com.
